seriously, a phone lanyard?

So, I saw someone wearing a phone lanyard the other day, and all I could think was, “Why?” Are we really at the point where we’ve decided hands belong exclusively in pockets or, God forbid, permanently attached to Starbucks cups and Instagram filters? Imagine embracing this level of laziness. It’s like giving up on ever remembering where you put your phone because it’s just dangling like an overpriced fashion statement.

The manufacturers have convinced people it’s practical for festivals and travel, but seriously, it looks more like you’re trying to repel potential new friends with your avant-garde chain of self-imposed connectivity shackles. It’s like phone cases and pockets just said, “We’ve had enough,” and suddenly here comes the lanyard to pick up the pieces of your dysfunctional relationship with responsibility. So absurd. And cheap to source, ha! “Light to ship,” they say, as if they are doing us all a favor by making it effortless to carry around six feet of rope-like utility. Kudos, genius.

Oh, and let’s not forget that remarkable moment when your choice of “fashionable utility” gets majestically tangled in the endless pit of your backpack or purse—strangled like a desperate attempt at relevancy in this ridiculous world. But hey, if you really want to elevate your incompetence into an accessory, be my guest. There’s more sarcasm where that came from over here. Whatever.