another useless trend, mushroom coffee

Oh great, now we have mushroom coffee. Because who doesn’t want their morning brew to taste like the forest floor after a rain? Seriously, who’s bright idea was it to take the one universally loved drink and add fungus? Like we don’t have enough reasons to be skeptical about what we’re putting in our bodies. Lion’s Mane and Chaga, they’re calling it functional. Functional! As if they’ve upgraded coffee to version 2.0 or something.

But hey, at least it doesn’t give you the caffeine jitters, they say—like that’s the high point of this ridiculous concoction. Instead, you get recurring revenue from this specific text, meaning you’ll have a constant reminder of your poor life choices delivered monthly. And let’s not forget that everyone’s slapping private labels on these instant mixes as if it’s going to make them taste any less like you’re drinking an earthy blend of bad decisions.

Functional mushrooms. What next? Breakfast cereals that make you glow in the dark? I’m done. Call me when regular coffee comes back into vogue, where it doesn’t need a side of marketing jargon and health claims to justify its existence.